In Retrospect

Two years ago this month I was in Malawi, at Grace Farm. Today I read through much of the journal where I kept my thoughts and prayers during my stay. The two years have passed quickly and my perspective has changed much. At that time, I believed that I did want to serve in Africa, but was unable to commit due to concern for my family and fear of failure. Bronwyn encouraged me to give all my fears to God and trust that He would care for my family in my absence. She prayed that I would be able to put the calling to serve there ahead of my concern for my family, trusting God with their well being and comfort. My father and sister have come to an understanding and acceptance of it. My mother is also beginning to acquiesce.

That prayer about my fears has been answered. Without God hand and Spirit in my life--I would fail. However, my life is happily surrendered to Him and I know that He will not leave me to work alone.

Bronwyn voiced a concern that my gift of mercy allows my heart to be broken easily and that long service on the field would see me overcome. I comprehended that then, and still today. I do feel things deeply. I cried a few times at the hospital this week listening to the heart of a man whose wife is dying of cancer. Tonight my mind keeps returning to a patient I worked with who is very ill, immobile and debilitated with cancer and other complications. So many of the patients are so completely physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable.

There is so much suffering in this world. I do not fully understand why God allows so much of it, but I do know that many find grace and joy that takes them through the suffering into peace.

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa