Sophomoric Philosophizing

I have been known to say that I would never take a philosophy class because I am not smart enough. The irony of my believing that--yet typing out my thoughts for you--hit me today. I have this thing about worrying what people think of me face to face, but I'll put some of the most inner workings of my mind here in type for all the world to read, judge, laugh, muse, critique.


Though I did not reach more than half of my goals this year--I am undaunted from setting more. I began one of them today. I watched a DVD and stumbled around in my living room floor this morning learning the basic steps of ballroom and Latin dances. I lack the courage to take dance lessons in public without at least rudimentary knowledge of the basic forms. My prom date in high school spent most of that evening patiently teaching me the ever so simple two-step and pretending that it didn't hurt when I repeatedly stepped on his feet, so you can imagine what a challenge my learning ballroom dancing will be. It is only right that I give my future partner the tiniest advantage to my having at least attempted the rudimentary steps on my own with nothing but a cat to step on.

Masquerade

I have had to speak in a front of a group on four different occasions recently. My extreme discomfort in doing so kept me in an almost constant state of anxiety for a month. After each occasion, friends mentioned that they could not even tell I was nervous during my speeches. This so contrasted my own perceptions that I had trouble believing them! However, I have heard this so many times, I am beginning to believe that I am a better actress that I thought. Acting skills can go a long way in stressful social situations or during difficult nursing duties, but while I would appreciate having the skill then, I do not want to be able deceive people. I want to be authentic. How do I find a balance of being authentic and not disrupting people with my wacky thoughts, spontaneous exclamations and facial contortions?

I have a friend who has had a closed head injury. He says whatever comes to his mind, often offending, shocking and annoying them. For the first few months that I knew him, I did not understand how he had difficulty preventing his thoughts from coming out. His 'filter' is broken. I've come to like and appreciate him and allow his unfiltered comments to roll off my back. I learned to appreciate that he is real, what he thinks is what I hear. That is a freshness and purity in that.

I think living alone puts me at higher risk of masquerading. No one sees me being lazy when I just drop the dirty dishes in the sink and pile high the laundry. No one sees when I spend an hour watching Dancing with the Stars but spend less than ten minutes reading the Bible and praying. No one sees who much time I put into Sheila things when I could be enriching the lives of others. Conclusion: I need a roommate and an overhaul of my priorities.


I recently heard these Casting Crowns lyrics.

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong


So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin,
I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded in the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay