In Retrospect

Two years ago this month I was in Malawi, at Grace Farm. Today I read through much of the journal where I kept my thoughts and prayers during my stay. The two years have passed quickly and my perspective has changed much. At that time, I believed that I did want to serve in Africa, but was unable to commit due to concern for my family and fear of failure. Bronwyn encouraged me to give all my fears to God and trust that He would care for my family in my absence. She prayed that I would be able to put the calling to serve there ahead of my concern for my family, trusting God with their well being and comfort. My father and sister have come to an understanding and acceptance of it. My mother is also beginning to acquiesce.

That prayer about my fears has been answered. Without God hand and Spirit in my life--I would fail. However, my life is happily surrendered to Him and I know that He will not leave me to work alone.

Bronwyn voiced a concern that my gift of mercy allows my heart to be broken easily and that long service on the field would see me overcome. I comprehended that then, and still today. I do feel things deeply. I cried a few times at the hospital this week listening to the heart of a man whose wife is dying of cancer. Tonight my mind keeps returning to a patient I worked with who is very ill, immobile and debilitated with cancer and other complications. So many of the patients are so completely physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable.

There is so much suffering in this world. I do not fully understand why God allows so much of it, but I do know that many find grace and joy that takes them through the suffering into peace.

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa

First Semester Clinicals

This semester we are permitted to 'practice' nursing eight days in the hospital. I am assigned to St. Mary's Hospital. Instead of the usual assignment for nurses of 5-6 patients in a 12 hour shift, we as students are given only one patient for eight hours. When not in our patient's room, we answer call lights for the other patients on the wing. This is very interesting and slightly frightening as we never know what the situation will entail when we enter the rooms.

I have found most of the patients amiable, but occasionally find them agitated with pain or frustration. It makes me sad when I cannot meet the need or help to calm, ease their discomfort or reassure them adequately. As students, we are very limited in the number and type of interventions that we can perform. We do find that lending an ear goes a long way toward providing comfort of a patient. It is wonderful to have time to do that as students. We are told that when fully trained, our time, by necessity, will be very limited with each patient due to the number of tasks that must be accomplished in a 12 hour shift.

My instructor for clinicals this semester is April Elsea. It is wonderful to learn from her and watch her with the patients. She is efficient but patient; compassionate and confident. I am grateful for her leadership.

This badge opens the way into the hospital each day. The combination of it and our scrub uniform apparently tell the public I know what I am doing. : ) Hopefully soon I'll be able to answer their questions correctly. With my poor sense of direction, I pretty much wander around trying to follow the arrowed signs until I find a classmate or patient staff person who point me in the correct direction.